A short story for this time of the year
by Gerald Jennings
Calypso Fish and Aquaria Club, London
Aquarticles
It was raining. I was bored. To lighten up a little I thought a stroll through the
local aquatic bazaar would be a good idea. What was new in this multi-layered emporium of
delights to amuse a bored fishkeeper that has probably seen most of it's offers before in
thirty or so years of aquarium work?
First station, no surprises.Standard range of fish offered with inaccurate tank
labelling - some of the dymo tape was probably very sub-standard.
Then a surprise. Before I reached the second area, aptly named House of the Rising
Salmon, I was accosted by a very odd looking individual who more or less appeared from
nowhere. " Interested in a promotion deal?" he said, though what sort of
invitation this was was open to wide conjecture.
"I saw your fish club lapel badge," he said. "Going through a rough
patch are we?"
Well, which club isn't these days? So I answered in the affirmative, and
this started up a most peculiar conversation from which I gathered that he was one of the
magi who had kept the first aquarium at the dawn of history, or so he said. He invited me
into his tiny one-roomed first floor emporium-cum-fishroom where all wonders were to
behold in his ancient tanks, and my eye was drawn to one wall which was completely
occupied by rows of glass phials, indexed presumably by the weird range of fish
pictures, one of which was placed in front of each phial. Seeing that this aroused
my interest, he explained that this was his personal wonder wall which contained
cures for every aquatic disease and problem that had ever existed, but to prevent
pilferage the phials were only coded with fishes, so only an experienced fishkeeper could
hazard a guess as to what they may treat. Some were obvious: Goldfish covered in white
spots (Coldwater breeding aids), Fish with fins missing (Shark repellents),..
Then I noticed one that was not a fish illustration at all. It depicted a grizzled old
aquarist whose face I vaguely remembered from years ago, holding a trophy shield up in
front of him into which were stuck several large darts, each labelled differently. I
enquired what this pearl of wisdom contained. "Oh that," he said, "that's
just a cure for sick fish clubs. You see the darts - well, they're all labelled with the
things that will kill the club stone dead, and you see the small plaques on the main
shield that have stopped the progress of the darts - well, they're the items that all
successful clubs have to repel the dart attack."
Now I was really interested. I knew of lots of local clubs that could do with some of
the medicine from this phial, so I enquired the price of this pearl of wisdom?
"Its no good even trying," he said. "I know it works, but everyone who
has taken it and tried it out has failed, and when it fails it returns here. You see it is
adversely affected by the negative vibrations of club members and seems only to work in a
completely fresh environment. It's free if you want it, but don't blame me if it fails and
returns to its place on the shelf."
So I thought for a while - about three seconds or so, and decided to have a very close
look at this pearl of wisdom.. .
I could clearly see the markings on the arrows and on the shields that had stopped
them, and tried to memorise as many as possible for future use in case I could not get
back there for a second chance to agree to take it.
The arrows were marked: Insularity, Petty-mindedness, Bureaucracy, and strangest of
all, Self-Regulation.
The shields that stopped them were labelled Publicity, Openness, Freedom and Honesty.
They were all shiny surfaces, but when one looked really carefully at the shield
labelled Publicity it seemed that behind the shield, just for a second or two, I
detected a horde of people who seemed to be clamouring to get in to a very familiar
doorway.
It was our clubroom.
|