Conversations Overheard at Aquarium Shops

by S. Naga Siddharth
Naga writes from Bangalore, India
Original to Aquarticles

This is something that can be staged at an aquarist gathering only. Doing so anywhere else would leave the audience seriously doubting the sense of humour of the host.

Main characters:
O: Owner of the shop, in many cases the only source of any info on aquariums to the newbie. Loves to do freelance misguiding. Firmly believes in the edict "The more one misleads, the more one makes money."

HC: Hassled client, who is on the verge of giving up the hobby after two days of nerve-wracking unpredictable behaviour by members of the Piscean kind.

( ): The author, who garnishes the incident with his own insights.

***

HC: Those fish you gave me died. (on the verge of a hysterical showdown)

O: (looks in the other direction) Uh?

HC: Those fish you gave me DIED. (all the more aggressive - resembling a cichlid in a goldfish tank)

O: Are you sure you bought from me? (the look an oscar gives you when you feed it with pellets)

HC: Of course, I always buy only from you. (pleads indirectly for some consideration on counts of customer loyalty, nevertheless falls on deaf ears)

O: Do you have a filter?

HC: You mean for drinking water??? No, no I used well water for the tank.

Audience please note that HC had been conned into buying a fish tank and incompatible fish, NOTHING ELSE, no heater, filter, gravel, nothing. THUS, at a very reasonable price.

O: (pontifical look) No, I mean an aquarium filter. See that box-like thing there?? (pointing vaguely to a corner of one of his tanks)

HC: What does it do? (he has started self suggesting that he is a complete idiot)

O: Cleans water. (stoic, seems to suggest that the former is indeed a complete idiot)

O: You could go for an undergravel filter. (thus setting the stage for further future purchase of a internal power filter at a later date)

HC: Or?

O: I 'll tell you something, just go in for a power filter. You won't have to change the water in the tank for three months. (now isn't that really kind?)

HC: Really??? (now, now, the world doesn't seem that bad)

HC: How much does it cost?

O: "xxxx" (that is the obnoxious price that would be too vulgar to print)

HC: (remembers his health insurance policy for heart attack) But my tank cost me half that.

O: Umm. (gives a look of "If you didn't have the money, why did you take up the hobby?")

HC: What else could have caused the fish deaths?

O: Do you have a heater? (one more nice way to boost sales in summer)

HC: (by now quite wary of the gadgetry that surround fish) How much would that be?

O: "xxxx" (same reason as the last time around for not printing the prices)

HC: (by now trying to extract empathy from other customers who he is sure have been through such experiences before) What else could have caused the fish deaths ?

O: (sensing that this guy is either a complete idiot or that he is just wasting his time) Oh, so many more. In fact there is a book that I read about the diseases of fish.

HC: Oh, are there books on this?

O: (cursing himself for having unwitting given away his knowledge monopoly) What shall I give you, a filter and a heater?

HC: Which means that there must be stuff on the net about fish!

O: (double cursing himself, remembers his wife accusing him of being a loud mouth) Look here, all that doesn't work. Things over there (no matter where) are not the same as here.

By now some client who already has a e-group is trying desperately to pass HC a chit having the URL of the same.

O: Look at that gentleman there, he bought two discus fish last week and they died. Is he complaining? (kinda moralizing that one should not grieve over fish deaths) And do you know how much they cost? "xxxx" (same reason for not printing the amount)

HC: (takes another look at that guy, by now is having the look of experiencing a hangover) And why did they die?

O: Listened to stuff over the internet. (the lie of the century)

HC: (by now has regained his sense to think rationally and also has been empowered by that URL surreptiously passed to him by that other customer) So how much did you say was that filter and heater?

O: I told you already. (truth of the matter being that he doesn't remember how much he had quoted)

The deal closes with HC falling for the bait and picking up some more incompatible fish (blue morphs and golds this time around) and the paraphernalia that was peddled by O.

Epilogue: HC was spotted after six months, completely a fish freak. He had started breeding worms, looking for white spots and had regular sojourns to the nearby lakes and ponds. He talked only about fish and had started building his own tanks.